My hands-on review of the On a Mission mount by Liberator

(Photo by AS Inc on Shutterstock)

I was this close to fucking my couch.

That’s an idea I thought would never cross my mind. I have a pretty high sex drive but I’ve never reached those transcendental levels of horniness, the ones that make everything from hand dryers to microwaved zucchinis seem fuckable.

But I do have a serious case of death grip and I’ve tried just about everything I could to fix it.

I’ve abstained from porn and masturbation for much longer than I wanted to. It was a total bust. Months without either of them didn’t do anything other than make my life more…

I was just a scrawny guy who was into women twice his size

(sergey karabanov / ShutterStock)

The first girl I ever slept with warned me about her appearance long before I got a chance to undress her.

We knew each other from a mutual friend but had only ever spoken on the phone.

We made plans to meet and she told me “I’m not, like, hot or anything. I mean, I’m okay, but I have a bit of flub.”

When we were finally face to face, I took in the way she looked. Her striking grey eyes and the adorable gap between her front teeth. A bigger chest than I was used to seeing. …

And why I’m curing it after all these years

(Dari Ya / Shutterstock)

“I can’t come. And my foreskin is weird.”

Those are the two warnings I would give a girl when things were heading in a sexual direction.

By the time I was 16, I was highly aware that there was something unusual with my dick. But my first hint of it came when I was only six years old.

It was bath time and my parents told me to wash everywhere, and that included pulling back my foreskin.

It was impossible. I tugged and pulled, but the skin wouldn’t retract. The harder I tried, the more it hurt.

I don’t have…

Get a proper shave without cluttering your countertop

(Jason Salmon / Shutterstock)

My father never taught me to shave. I had to learn from his medicine cabinet.

The first time I got scruffy, I went to the bathroom and opened it up. I grabbed everything that had to do with shaving.

A bottle of aftershave that looked ancient. A can of foaming shaving cream that looked cheap. A bag of disposable razors that looked even cheaper.

I had no damn clue what I was doing. Everything I knew about shaving came from Gillette commercials and that scene in Home Alone.

I sprayed the cream into my hand and patted it on my…

Jake Austin

Wife guy, househusband, all around wanker | Co-Host of Pillow Talk with Emma Austin:

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