I was this close to fucking my couch.
That’s an idea I thought would never cross my mind. I have a pretty high sex drive but I’ve never reached those transcendental levels of horniness, the ones that make everything from hand dryers to microwaved zucchinis seem fuckable.
But I do have a serious case of death grip and I’ve tried just about everything I could to fix it.
I’ve abstained from porn and masturbation for much longer than I wanted to. It was a total bust. Months without either of them didn’t do anything other than make my life more…
The first girl I ever slept with warned me about her appearance long before I got a chance to undress her.
We knew each other from a mutual friend but had only ever spoken on the phone.
We made plans to meet and she told me “I’m not, like, hot or anything. I mean, I’m okay, but I have a bit of flub.”
When we were finally face to face, I took in the way she looked. Her striking grey eyes and the adorable gap between her front teeth. A bigger chest than I was used to seeing. …
“I can’t come. And my foreskin is weird.”
Those are the two warnings I would give a girl when things were heading in a sexual direction.
By the time I was 16, I was highly aware that there was something unusual with my dick. But my first hint of it came when I was only six years old.
It was bath time and my parents told me to wash everywhere, and that included pulling back my foreskin.
It was impossible. I tugged and pulled, but the skin wouldn’t retract. The harder I tried, the more it hurt.
I don’t have…
My father never taught me to shave. I had to learn from his medicine cabinet.
The first time I got scruffy, I went to the bathroom and opened it up. I grabbed everything that had to do with shaving.
A bottle of aftershave that looked ancient. A can of foaming shaving cream that looked cheap. A bag of disposable razors that looked even cheaper.
I had no damn clue what I was doing. Everything I knew about shaving came from Gillette commercials and that scene in Home Alone.
I sprayed the cream into my hand and patted it on my…